Love is not controlling. Love is not grabbing. Love is freedom. This is one of the clearest things a non-dual understanding reveals about relationships, and one of the hardest to live, because so much of how we have learned to love comes from the mind.
Much of the pain in relationships comes from a sense of separation. And love, at its heart, is the felt recognition that we are not separate at all.
Remove the idea of “the relationship”
When people live from the mind, a relationship easily becomes an attainment, an achievement, something the mind is trying to gain. But the other person shouldn’t be seen like that. What we want is to connect with someone as they are, at their core.
Something I find very helpful when talking with people about their relationships is to remove the concept of “the relationship” altogether. It is a concept, and it gets in the way of real connection. Once people conceptualise a relationship, they start conceptualising what they want it to be. They fantasise, dream and desire. All of that takes place in the mind, drawing us away from reality. We project those wishes onto the other person, rather than seeing them as they are.
Happiness and freedom come from accepting what is. Dissatisfaction and suffering come from fighting against reality. So in a relationship, accept the other person exactly as they are. Don’t try to steer them or control them. Be a loving presence for them, and love them as they are.
Love that doesn’t grab
Loving someone as they are, without trying to change them, is what allows real closeness. Love can be profoundly healing. When you come from a place of genuine love rather than fear or insecurity, you stop feeding the patterns of fear and attachment in yourself and, often, in the other person too. You create the space for something different to emerge.
This means going into a relationship without attachment. Don’t grab. Don’t steer it towards an outcome. Don’t try to have it, because then it becomes an ego game. Pure love means that if the other person didn’t want to be with you, you would love them just the same. It sounds like a loss of something. In fact, it is what allows a relationship to deepen from a truly loving place, rather than from insecurities trying to get their needs met.
Deep love also tends to draw out whatever fear is still there: fear of loss, fear of getting it wrong, fear of not being good enough to keep it. That isn’t a sign that something is wrong. It is an opportunity to see those fears clearly, and to see past them, back to love.
“I’m anxious they’ll leave. Letting go feels like not caring.”
Many people come with exactly this. They check their phone, they need reassurance, they are frightened their partner will leave. People tell them to let go, and letting go feels like not caring.
When there is fear, we turn our attention inward. We explore what the fear reveals about our own sense of self, rather than immediately expecting the other person to change. In a session, I might say something like this: you have this fear, and it is telling you something about your an identity right now. This identity is afraid they might leave. Why? Because then you would feel what? Like a failure? Unworthy? So there is an identity, an ego, that feels unworthy…
Then we don’t play into it. We don’t give it more energy. Start to notice when it generates thoughts. Notice when a thought turns into a behaviour, the checking, the need for reassurance, and see if you can catch it. Only with that awareness do you begin to see through it, and stop acting from it. Letting go isn’t the opposite of caring. It is what allows caring to become love.
Does acceptance mean putting up with being treated badly?
No. Acceptance doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment. Every situation is different. If you are thinking of walking away, it can help to explore what is driving that intention. Is it a reaction rooted in fear or anger, or does it come from a clearer recognition of what is right for you?
Imagine a stray dog, traumatised and frightened. You might love that dog and want to help it. But if it keeps biting your hand and isn’t ready for you, you lovingly step back and give it space and time. That may be the best thing for the dog too. You can’t force it.
Relationships are the same. If someone is treating you badly, you can lovingly step away. Come at it with compassion, with real care and understanding, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay and keep having your hand bitten.
Love as freedom
When there is pure love, there is no fear, and no pain of loss. Lack, loss and hurt all come from the ego, from a separate self that needs something from another person and fears losing it. Pure love doesn’t come from there, it is outside of ego. It needs nothing, holds nothing and fears nothing. True love is freedom.
I work with couples and with individuals in relationships, often seeing each partner on their own for a while, because personal growth is what makes deeper closeness possible. You can read more on my non-dual psychotherapy page, or read Why Your Mind Can’t Make You Happy.
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