There is a notion at the heart of existential therapy, and of many other therapeutic approaches, that greater freedom to determine how we live can lead to a more fulfilling life. The idea is that, by understanding ourselves, taking responsibility for our choices and pursuing what matters to us, we can find greater happiness and contentment. There is, however, a fundamental problem with this.
The mind has no idea how to make us happy. No one’s mind does. The mind has no idea how to find peace or happiness, because peace and happiness are antithetical to what the mind is.
The goals that never end
The problem is that our drives and desires are impossible to satisfy. We achieve what we set out to achieve, and yet the satisfaction never lasts. Even when life is going well, the mind creates new desires and new goals. There is always something else to pursue, something else to become, something else that promises to make us happy. The cycle never ends.
This is why people often find that achieving what they set out to achieve brings less lasting satisfaction than they expected. They keep going, achieving, pushing and striving, looking for the next thing that will make them happy. Psychology has studied this phenomenon in depth. Researchers call it the hedonic treadmill: people tend to adapt to changes in their circumstances, so the satisfaction a goal initially brings can fade over time, leaving them wanting something more. Brickman and Campbell introduced the concept in 1971, and it has been widely researched since.
Where psychology stops short, from a non-dual perspective, is in what it takes to be the solution. Much of psychology and therapy focuses on helping people change their thoughts, behaviours and circumstances, or find more fulfilling ways to live. But all of this still asks the mind to resolve a dissatisfaction that, from the non-dual perspective, arises from identification with the mind itself. That is asking the mind to do the one thing it cannot do.
Happiness and contentment arise, though, when people stop chasing, when they let go. Happiness and peace come not from endlessly pursuing more, but from releasing our attachment to identity, desires, aims and goals. Psychology recognises the value of letting go, but much of its practice remains oriented towards helping people change, improve and move towards something. This puts much of conventional counselling and psychotherapy at odds with what a non-dual understanding shows about where lasting happiness, peace and contentment come from.
You are not your thoughts
From a non-dual perspective, you are not your thoughts. Thoughts are phenomena that arise; they are not who you are. Yet much of psychotherapy works within the framework of the individual self constructed through thought, helping people explore themselves, change their beliefs and develop a different relationship with who they think they are. Existential therapy, in particular, places considerable emphasis on freedom, self-determination, choice and the creation of meaning. From a non-dual perspective, the problem is that even a more fulfilling or authentic identity remains an identity. And when we continue to identify with the person we believe ourselves to be, we continue to reinforce the very sense of a separate self that non-dual inquiry invites us to question.
So what does it actually mean to let go of identity? It begins with recognising the difference between having a thought and identifying with it.
The difference between acting from ego and not acting from ego is simple. When a thought arises, does someone follow it and act from it? That is acting from ego. Or do they watch the thought arise and let it fall, without buying into it? That is not acting from ego. There is tremendous freedom in no longer identifying with thought.
From a spiritual perspective, you don’t want to keep listening to the mind that is trying to be in charge, trying to control you. You don’t want to keep listening to the television telling you what to do. You want to turn it off, step outside and walk into the meadow. That is where true happiness is.
“If I stop setting goals, won’t I just drift?”
Yes, that is what the mind thinks. The mind thinks that if it isn’t in charge, everything will fall apart. But who is it referring to? An imaginary entity that is supposedly creating the thoughts. That is what the ego is: the imaginary entity we believe is responsible for our thoughts. It doesn’t exist.
Life is much more of a teacher. When we stop trying to control everything with the mind, we can become more receptive to what life brings. At this level, we can let life become our teacher, trusting that we don’t need to plan and control every step. The most magical synchronicities and profound experiences in life rarely come from following our plans. They come when our plans are interrupted and something wonderful and unexpected happens. So the invitation is to stop following the mind’s every instruction, and let life guide you.
Then, a level deeper, from the non-dual perspective, you realise it isn’t even your life. There is no “I” in it. It is just life, happening, a beautiful, mysterious dance emerging out of the present moment. And you are that present moment.
Making decisions from fullness, not lack
None of this means you can’t make decisions. If someone comes to me asking whether to leave their job, I want to find out where the question is coming from, and where the feelings are coming from. Is there fear? Anxiety? Or is there spaciousness, warmth, a sense of connection?
There is no universally right or wrong answer to whether to leave a job. But we can explore where the decision is coming from. Is it driven by fear, lack and a feeling of not being good enough, or does it emerge from a more spacious place? If the intention comes from lack, from fear or from not feeling good enough, then acting on it can strengthen the belief in that entity, the one that isn’t good enough. Acting from ego feeds it and makes it bigger.
If instead, in the session, we can become aware of that entity, and also of a space beyond it, a space of awareness, then the decision can come from there. The intention comes from fullness rather than lack.
Does this mean you stop caring?
No. Letting go of the driving ego doesn’t mean detachment or not caring. It means an intimate relationship with everything that comes into your life.
You still want the best for the people you love, and for everyone around you. But that wanting comes from a very different place: from presence, wholeness, fullness and love, rather than from lack, separation and desire. It is not a driving force. What drops away is the effort to steer, drive or force things towards a future outcome you believe will make you happy. The future is seen for what it is: a concept.
And because you are rooted in presence, your relationships deepen enormously. You meet everyone as they are, without the lens of your conceptual identity getting in the way and smearing everything. It really is like waking up.
You can read more about how I work on my non-dual psychotherapy page, and about why therapy alone can’t take you there in The Limits of Traditional Therapy: A Non-Dual Perspective.
References
- Brickman, P., & Campbell, D. T. (1971). Hedonic relativism and planning the good society. In M. H. Appley (Ed.), Adaptation-level theory: A symposium (pp. 287–302). Academic Press.
- Diener, E., Lucas, R. E., & Scollon, C. N. (2006). Beyond the hedonic treadmill: Revising the adaptation theory of well-being. American Psychologist, 61(4), 305–314. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.61.4.305
Leave a Comment