People come to therapy because they have a problem of some sort. They might be anxious, depressed, struggling in a relationship, or simply unhappy with their lives. Something is troubling them, and they want things to be different.
The first thing we do is look at what that problem is. We explore what’s happening in their lives, what they’re thinking and feeling, and why they might be experiencing things this way. This is the starting point for any therapy, and my training as an existential psychotherapist informs much of this work.
But from a non-dual perspective, there is more to explore. We can, of course, look at why someone is suffering and understand the patterns that keep them stuck, but we can also begin to question the person they take themselves to be.
This is where the work takes a different direction. The aim isn’t simply to make life better for the person we believe ourselves to be, but to see through some of the beliefs that make up that sense of self.
Understanding the problem
Take anxiety or depression, two of the most common reasons people come to therapy. We begin with the experience itself. What is it like? When does it arise? What happens in the body? What are the thoughts that accompany it?
From there, we look at the wider picture. We explore the person’s relationships, family, work, motivations and sense of who they are. We look at the expectations they place on themselves, the things they fear, and the beliefs they hold about how life should be.
This is the existential part of the work. Our experiences don’t happen in isolation. They are bound up with how we live, the choices we make, the relationships we have and the meaning we give to things.
Understanding these connections matters. We can begin to see why we feel as we do, and why certain patterns keep repeating themselves. But understanding a problem and being free of it are not the same thing.
We can understand perfectly well why we are anxious and still find ourselves caught up in anxiety. We can know where a particular belief came from and still live as though it were true.
Something else is needed.
Seeing through the mind
From a non-dual perspective, our suffering is bound up with the thoughts we identify with and the sense of self we build around them.
We have ideas about who we are, what we should be, how other people see us and what needs to happen for us to be happy. We take these thoughts to be true, and our lives become organised around them. When reality doesn’t match our expectations, we suffer.
Consider anxiety. A thought arises about something that might happen. The body responds, and suddenly the thought feels real and urgent. We become caught up in it, imagining what might go wrong and trying to find a way to make the feeling stop.
Then come the thoughts about the anxiety itself. I shouldn’t feel like this. Something is wrong with me. I need to get rid of it.
We have now added another layer of thinking to the original problem.
The non-dual approach invites us to look at this process differently. Rather than trying to fight the thoughts or control them, we begin to see them for what they are: thoughts arising in awareness. This is a significant difference from the existential view of anxiety as a given, a fact of existence. From the non-dual perspective, anxiety only arises with a conceptualised self – which is a thought… and not who you are.
A thought can be present without the belief that it is true. Ultimately from the non-dual perspective, any thought we have about ourselves is not true… A feeling can be intense without defining us. We don’t have to believe everything the mind tells us, or treat every thought as a problem that needs solving.
This doesn’t mean that difficult circumstances and psychological history don’t matter. They do, and we work with them. But alongside understanding these things, we can explore our relationship with the mind itself, and one’s essential being. (I’ve written more about why most therapy stops short of this in The Limits of Traditional Therapy.)
Letting things be
Seeing a thought for what it is sounds simple, but it isn’t always easy. When anxiety is strong, the feeling in the body can be overwhelming. The mind becomes so convincing that we forget there is any other way of experiencing what is happening.
Our usual response is to try to escape the discomfort. We distract ourselves, look for reassurance, try to solve the problem or tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling this way. Sometimes these responses help in the short term. But they can also keep us caught in a cycle of resistance.
In therapy, we can begin to turn towards the experience instead.
Rather than trying to change what is happening, we allow ourselves to feel it. We notice the thoughts without immediately following them. We make room for the bodily sensations without adding another layer of judgement or fear.
The point isn’t to force ourselves to become calm. That would simply give the mind another task to achieve. It is to discover that we can allow an experience to be present without having to fight it.
Thoughts and feelings change. They arise, remain for a time and pass. When we stop adding to them, we may find that the experience begins to settle of its own accord.
And even when it doesn’t settle immediately, something can change in our relationship with it. We are no longer quite so caught up in what the mind is telling us. We begin to see that we don’t have to obey every thought, resolve every uncertainty or eliminate every uncomfortable feeling.
The hardest thing we face
Much of what troubles us is not simply what happens in life, but what we think about what happens.
The voice that tells us we’re not good enough. The fear that other people will reject us. The feeling that we should be further ahead, more successful, more attractive or somehow different from how we are.
The hardest thing any of us faces is our own mind, and our reflex is to run from it. Turning round to face it is something we don’t naturally do. But when we let the ego throw its tantrum, hurling every thought it has at us, and we don’t react, it begins to burn itself out. We start to see through it, the way you’d see through a phantom.
These thoughts can shape our entire experience of ourselves. We spend enormous amounts of energy trying to become the person we think we should be, while avoiding anything that threatens the identity we’ve built.
From a non-dual perspective, this sense of a separate, fixed self is itself worth investigating. Who is the person who must constantly improve, defend an identity and make life turn out a particular way? Is that person really who we are, or is it a collection of thoughts, memories, feelings and beliefs that we have come to identify with?
These aren’t questions we need to answer intellectually. The point is to look at our experience and see what is actually there.
In a session, this might mean staying with a difficult feeling rather than immediately trying to resolve it. It might mean noticing the beliefs beneath a recurring problem, or seeing how much suffering comes from the idea that we must be someone other than we are.
What happens in the room?
There is no formula for this work. Everyone comes with a different history, different difficulties and a different relationship with their own mind.
Sometimes I will help someone explore what is happening in their life and understand the patterns behind it. Sometimes we will look closely at a thought or feeling that is arising in the session. At other times, there may be very little to say. We can simply remain with an experience and allow it to unfold.
My approach draws on my training and experience as an existential psychotherapist, but also on my own experience of the non-dual process. I am not simply asking someone to observe their thoughts as a technique. I am interested in what becomes apparent when we look directly at our experience, rather than relying entirely on what the mind tells us about it.
The therapeutic relationship matters here. When something feels too difficult to face alone, it can make a difference to have someone alongside you. We can approach things at a pace that feels manageable, without needing to force an insight or reach a particular outcome.
The work is not about adopting a non-dual philosophy or learning to speak about awareness and the self. It is about seeing what is happening in your own experience, and discovering what changes when you relate to it differently.
Where hand analysis comes in
Hand analysis is an optional part of my work. I may suggest it during therapy if I think it could be helpful, in which case we would look at your hands together in a session. Alternatively, someone might come to me first for a hand reading, with the possibility of exploring what emerges in further therapeutic conversations.
I have spent over 15 years working with the hands, and I find them an invaluable tool for exploring a person’s psychological patterns, beliefs and sense of self.
Our hands can provide a visible starting point for conversations that might otherwise be difficult to begin. They can help us look at aspects of our nature, the ways we have adapted to life, and the patterns that may be contributing to our difficulties.
From a non-dual perspective, this work has another dimension. We can explore the difference between our underlying nature and the ideas we have acquired about who we are. Rather than simply trying to improve the person we believe ourselves to be, we can begin to question that identity. I explore this in more detail in Non-Dual Hand Analysis.
What changes?
People come to therapy because they want something in their lives to change. They want to feel less anxious, find relief from depression, improve their relationships or understand why they keep encountering the same difficulties. That is an important part of the work.
But there is also the possibility of a more fundamental change: a shift in how we relate to our thoughts, feelings and sense of self. We may begin to recognise patterns that previously operated without our awareness. We may find that thoughts which once seemed utterly convincing no longer have the same hold over us. We may discover that we can experience discomfort without immediately trying to escape it.
And gradually, we can begin to question the assumption that our peace and happiness depend on becoming a different person or making life conform to our expectations.
This is not something that can be forced, and it looks different for everyone. The work unfolds through the particular difficulties a person brings, rather than following a predetermined path.
Ultimately, I am interested not only in helping people understand their problems, but in exploring what lies beyond the thinking and identification that so often sustain them.
When this isn’t the right place to start
There are times when this work isn’t the right first step. If someone is at immediate risk of harming themselves or someone else, is acutely unwell and not able to make their own decisions, or can’t give informed consent, they need urgent or specialist care first. In those cases I’d help connect them with the right services, and we can talk once things are steadier.
Practical details
I work online with individuals and couples, by video or phone. We can explore what brings you to therapy and decide together how best to approach it.
I generally recommend meeting weekly when beginning therapy, to allow the relationship and the work to develop. After that, many people move to every two weeks, or once a month as a check-in. It’s always led by you and what you find most useful.
If you would like to find out more, visit my psychotherapy page.
Further reading
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